My aggressive journey to say a few words. (AKA) I'll be saying stuff that won't matter to many of you but it'll ALL mean something to me.
Published on September 18, 2004 By wnx_decoy In Life Journals
Hello guys. It's been so long since I last wrote an article on here and Death by Beebles thought it was time for me to try again, so here goes...

I was just thinking the other day, after a VERY strange dream I had the night before, about what my plans were for the next 3 years, 1 year, 3 months, or even week were and I honestly didn't know other than the obvious goal of turning my school-work in.

The first thing I thought about was the short term... 'What will I do in the next month?'

Well, the first thing on my agenda is to figure out what I'm doing on the night of homecoming. A friend of mine, whom I believe you could guess the name of, wants me to go with her to this pretty big dance. I honestly don't know if I want to go to the dance and my mom just told me, about a week ago, that we had a family reunion that same day.

The next task to complete is deciding how I'm gonna get myself out of the huge hole I've dug myself into due to a few female entities who are just about fighting over me. I still don't know why they can't find someone else but oh well. All of the girls that I KNOW OF that like me, I don't like in the same way and they all know this. I always thought that once someone tells you they don't like you, you should leave them alone but I can't tell people to just simply go away for fear of hurting their feelings or whatever might come from it.

Ashley, don't wory. I think it's safe to say that you're the easiest one to get along with because you don't force yourself on me quite like these others. You know what I'm talking about better than I do so maybe that statement was enough to explain myself.

Then I came across the 'What do want to have done within the next 3 months?'

This one may be a bit more difficult to just start talking about because I'm not even sure if this is the smartest thing to be doing right at this moment.

I have told myself time and again that I don't want any relationships this year because it's too stressing, but I'm not sure if that's really how I feel or if it's just what I want to feel.

I ran into an old friend of mine a few days ago but I told myself that I don't want to deal with keeping old friends if I don't have to. But then I remembered how we used to go burn stuff around town and how we'd always beat up his little siblings.

(In case you were wondering Alex, I think that's why I'm not acting very much like a good friend lately)

I also have a pretty good friend that I have hung out with a few times in the past but I just haven't quite been able to decide if this friend of mine is really even a friend of mine or not.

I'm starting to think that I think too much.

Now I've got to talk about what's to come in the 'What do I plan on doing within the next year?'

I'm thinking this is the long enough time period to say that I think I just want to graduate and make sure I have all of my best friends' numbers... if I still have any when it's over. I also want to know I'm getting into a college that I want by the end of this year. Hopefully I'll even have myself a friend that I could go with. So far I MIGHT be going with my cousin. I basically just don't want to meet too many new people. I'd rather just have a few really close friends that I can talk to anytime I feel like I need to. That's why the internet rules! I'm not really MEETING anybody on here, I'm just saying stuff that COULD be true to him/her.

The last thing that I thought about was a future family.

Yeah... I don't even know why this one popped into my head because the only chance of that happening would be if I married the one person that I feel comfortable with at all times. I would rather adopt kids too. Who needs to give birth to be parents? There's plent of kids in the world. I have not yet found the person I seek but I think I'm getting closer.



The dream that started this whole issue with me???

Alright, so I fall asleep right? Then, I die. I go to "limbo" and I'm told I'm not known by God so I'm going to hell. This simply blunt set of events that came as little images in my head made me think this hard about such stupid, meeningless things in God's eyes.

After I got done thinking about all that junk I simply hit myself in the head and remember that I should be thinking about now, and how I'm gonna glorify my Jesus.

That problem was solved a bit faster... with the help of one of my good friends who told me she was wondering about how her petty problems didn't matter if we didn't solve them while doing all things in God's holy name.

We just kinda decided we'd help each other.

I'll end right there so you can tell me how horrible I am at writing now.

Capt. over and out!

Comments
on Sep 19, 2004
Well, the first thing on my agenda is to figure out what I'm doing on the night of homecoming. A friend of mine, whom I believe you could guess the name of, wants me to go with her to this pretty big dance. I honestly don't know if I want to go to the dance and my mom just told me, about a week ago, that we had a family reunion that same day.


If you don't want to go you can just tell me. It's not like I'm going to freak out on you and have a nervous break down or something. Like I said when I asked you, I will understand if you don't want to go with me. Anyways, do you know if you're going to the reunion? j/w. You still haven't given me a straight answer yet. I'm not trying to bug you about it, but I'm just curious, that's all.

Ashley, don't wory. I think it's safe to say that you're the easiest one to get along with because you don't force yourself on me quite like these others. You know what I'm talking about better than I do so maybe that statement was enough to explain myself


Yeah, well I try not to force myself onto you. I'm just not like that. If you like me you like me, if you don't you don't. But the thing that has gotten me upset lately is that you really haven't been talking to me like you normally. And that goes for everyone, like....Alex, Shaun, Jessica...etc....You haven't really talked to any of us lately. You have rather much spent all of your time with Sarah, Alicia, Kendra, Brittney, the list goes on. You haven't really taken the time to talk with some of you best friends for more than five minutes. I know you don't mean to hurt anyone. I think it all started out at band camp when Sarah and Alicia started "hanging all over you". You always talked to them. I don't even think I got to talk to you for more than 5-10min the whole week. And when I danced with you there, they just stood there and staired at us and wouldn't go away.

But what really makes me mad is that everytime Sarah finds out I like a guy she automatically has to like them too. Before me and Alex went out, she found out I liked him. So she liked him. She tried everything to break us up because she thought he'd go out with her. Then she finds out I like you. Then she starts liking you and hanging over you just because she knows it upsets me, and not just me. And I kinda started liking Aaron. So then she finds out and at the football game friday she's hanging all over him. I don't get it. Alex told me it's most likely because she's jealous of me. But I don't want to believe that just because I'm thinking, "Who would ever want to be jealous of a person such as me." I mean, come on. Half the people are a lot prettier than me, thinner, and just all around better. I guess. I dunno.

I have told myself time and again that I don't want any relationships this year because it's too stressing, but I'm not sure if that's really how I feel or if it's just what I want to feel.


My best advise would be to follow your heart. It will lead you in the right direction.

~carebear~

P.S.~ Was that really you that commented on Ashlee's blog? j/w. I left a comment over there for you, asking some stuff.

on Sep 19, 2004
Dude,

My opinion's worth exactly what you paid for it, but I'm going to give it a go anyway.

I know there are so many things to think about in life, but I really think you should give things a shot between you and Ashley. She's a great person from everything that I've seen here and she truly cherishes you. You're both young, and you're friends to begin with, just be honest and opened and go into it with both of you knowing that you at least gave it a shot.

Anyway, that's just my opinion, and all I have to say at this moment except...WELCOME BACK!!! Don't be a stranger, ok?
on Sep 19, 2004
Well, thanks Gid and don't worry I won't be a stranger as long as school doesn't get any more hectic.

Ashley, I'm not too sure I can follow my heart anymore. It keeps leading me the wrong way... or I think it's my heart I've been following. Either way, it's not working for me and I really just don't like that I can't get things back to how they were.

Honestly, the reason I'm not talking to you guys much is because the longer I stand still the easier it is for people to get to me.

I would prefer just running, it's helping me in soccer too.

Ok, Ashley. I don't think I'm gonna go to Homecoming with anybody this year. I may go by myself but the only dance I'm going to WITH someone is the prom because babyface and I have a plan for prom.

Seriously, that was me and I meant it too. I honestly don't care what Ashlee has done now. I stopped paying attention as soon as my huge article got started before I left. You know the one... Gay WHAT?!...

Capt. over and out!
on Sep 19, 2004
Ashley, I'm not too sure I can follow my heart anymore. It keeps leading me the wrong way... or I think it's my heart I've been following. Either way, it's not working for me and I really just don't like that I can't get things back to how they were.


Humm....well then, I don't know what to tell you.

Honestly, the reason I'm not talking to you guys much is because the longer I stand still the easier it is for people to get to me.


Well you could at least talk to us a bit more.

Ok, Ashley. I don't think I'm gonna go to Homecoming with anybody this year. I may go by myself but the only dance I'm going to WITH someone is the prom because babyface and I have a plan for prom.


Ok, that's fine by me. You shouldve just said that in the first place.

~carebear~
on Sep 19, 2004
I'm sorry but I didn't know that in the first place.

You know me, I do things on the go.

Capt. over and out!
on Sep 19, 2004
I'm sorry but I didn't know that in the first place.


It's ok.

~carebear~
on Sep 19, 2004
I know what's wrong with Brandon...fear of commitment.....you've been "female dog" slapped in the face and you're afraid it might happen again.....but, I think you should at least try something.....although I don't know what you can do about your stalkers, I've never seen anyone, and I mean anyone try to hit on someone every time they see them.....well, I hope you can work through your issues and remember you can always talk to us for advice....

~Zoo
on Sep 19, 2004
You know, Capt. I know exactly what you need, and what can help you through these difficult decisions. It can serve as:

*a relationship advisor

*a career advisor

*a counselor

It is so many things in one. So head on down to WalMart and buy your magic 8-ball today and all your worries will be over!
on Sep 21, 2004
I know what's wrong with Brandon...fear of commitment.....you've been "female dog" slapped in the face and you're afraid it might happen again.


Yeah, that's pretty much what everyone else has been saying ever since you and Jessica. Well, not nessicarly everyone.

~carebear~
on Sep 23, 2004
And I don't disagree at all. Basically, I'm tired of it and I think I'm gonna wait until I'm a little more mature to try finding a girlfriend right now.

Capt. over and out!

P.S.~ That's what the magic 8-ball said...
on Sep 27, 2004
That's what the magic 8-ball said.




~carebear~