My aggressive journey to say a few words. (AKA) I'll be saying stuff that won't matter to many of you but it'll ALL mean something to me.
a letter to my daddy
Published on November 11, 2004 By wnx_decoy In Misc
I grew up waiting for you to come home from work and you never came. Mommy would say that you were working late and that she had to bring you home because it was getting too late for you to drive.

I'd hit the ball during t-ball games and when I looked for my dad to be there cheering for me all I saw was momma. When I sacked the quarterback I found that you weren't there to congratulate me. Even when I scored my only soccer goal ever you weren't there to see it.

What do you think would happen after all of that? Did you think I'd be begging to be around you after that? Did you expect me to be your little boy still? Maybe you knew it wasn't going to be that way anymore. I just hope you weren't expecting it.

I still look to see if you're there but just not because I want to see you're smile. I look to see if you are crying. I almost enjoy seeing you sad that you weren't there for me before. All the times I cried for you. The times I reached out to hold your hand when I was scared and only found mommy. It hurt so much, I don't know why you did that.

Sissie and Hodie feel the same, even stronger and yet you don't know why we avoid you now. It's your fault. Mommy was the only one to show us love and so we trust her. We don't trust you; you're a stranger.

Kristen gets to trust you because you're here but what about us? It's not going to get better just because you're here now. I want to feel truly loved. Mom gave me that feeling and you took it away from me.

Why couldn't you just be there? We only have birthdays take up a 4 days a year for you. We don't ask that you be here everyday but when you didn't even give us birthday presents because you were "working late" (mommy told me that means you're drunk).

Now I have to live with knowing that the reason we moved so often that I couldn't make friends was because you were getting a new job due to "working late". I don't know how to forgive you for that. I wanted friends too. Is that too much to ask for? You couldn't be there? Fine, but let someone be there. I miss Justin and Nathan. You probably don't know them because you weren't there.

You want to "spend time" with me now? How about you wait for me to show up to your birthday or father's day and have to deal with not seeing me there to be your little boy. You gave me away the moment you decided that I wasn't important enough to be a "good" daddy for.

Let's see... You miss the first 13 years of my life. What's wrong with missing another 13. Obviously you didn't seem to mind when you went out and got drunk instead of coming home to see me give my all to be your baby boy.

I love you but I don't feel like you'll ever know how to show it because I won't let you now. I don't know how to be with you now that I've had to be without you for so long. You'll get to see your grandkids all you want because I'm not going to let them know the you that I know. They won't have a loser granddaddy. You WILL be loving and caring to them because that's what it will take for me to accept your love too.

Just give me one reason why I should even talk to you again. You didn't raise me, bring me into existence, or protect me. All you did was marry mom, help make me, and keep me away from everyone of my friends that I tried making.

Please just go away. I don't want to hurt anymore. You have hurt mommy too. I can't let you do that again. She means too much to me. You must understand, I don't know you so I fear you. The sooner you leave the less it will have to hurt.



........................................................................



This "letter" that you have just read is my venting towards my dad in a dream world. In reality I love him too much to just let him fall out of my life.

Today, I snapped and told him that I didn't want to go to his house because I didn't want to smell like smoke. The real reason is because I'm uncomfortable around him.

His girlfriend yells at her daughter who is a very nice girl. She's usually the one to get into trouble even though she stays to her self and just constantly cleans her room because her mom thinks it's a mess and that she should be grounded for it. She babies the younger daughter all the time and she's more like the selfish brat that I never want to have as a parent. She gets into fits whenever my little sister buys something at the store and she doesn't get anything, so dad makes Kristen share with Katie whatever she got and then buys Katie something else. It makes me sick!

Then you have my dad again. He used to go to the non-smoking section when we out to eat but now he goes to the smoking section because his girlfriend has him scared stiff. If she wants something he gets it for her because he's afraid of her. She's an evil woman that feeds off of my dad and her older daughter and then gives everything to Katie if she doesn't want it herself. She never thinks of the kids first. It's disgusting!!!

I just wish that my dad would leave her because the short time between my parents' divorce and them getting together he was starting to show that he cared for us. Now I don't know, and I miss giving him a chance. I pray that he gets over her and remembers who's more important.... His kids!

I'm sorry I took so much of your time, thank you for staying with me though.

Capt. over and out!

Comments (Page 1)
2 Pages1 2 
on Nov 12, 2004
Aww....This is so sad Brandon! Again, you made me cry. I feel really bad for you. I pray that your daddy gets over this and becomes a better man for his children. I can't believe he'd do something like this. I never knew it was this hard for you. I'm here for you if you ever want to talk to someone....even if it's just to vent. I'll be your shoulder to cry on.

~carebear~
on Nov 12, 2004
Thanks. Maybe this does sound really bad. Basically, he just wasn't there. That's all I remember about my dad when I was a little guy.

Capt. over and out!
on Nov 12, 2004
Well my parents are still together. I hardly see my dad. He's either working, at boyscouts, or working. When I was younger....he worked two jobs b/c my mom stayed home with me. So I never got to see him. When I started sports he was never there b/c he was working. And he still hardly ever comes. He wasn't even at the soccer game this year when I scored that awesome goal off my head. It makes me mad. Now me and my dad can't even talk without arguing. He always forgets things when we tell him stuff. then he gets mad b/c he says we never tell him anything. Just tonight we got into it. I got home from the awards thingy and was warming up the spaghetti(sp?) that my mom cooked earlier tonight for dinner. I didn't go home afterschool so I didn't eat anything. He told me that I needed to go to bed, so we got into it. So did my mom. She stuck up for me and told me that I was allowed to stay up and eat dinner before I went to bed. But then my little brothers were watching tv at this very time and he never told them to go to bed. I don't get it. He makes me angry so much. He never understands anything b/c he's never there.

~carebear~
on Nov 12, 2004
I guess that's about what I have. I just don't think that it's quite to the degree my dad took it to. He was seriously NEVER there. He was home long enough to sleep and the not come back for another 3 or 4 days at a time. Once it was over a month. I look at it now as my mom couldn't aford (sp?) to get him out of jail.

Capt. over and out!
on Nov 12, 2004
Cornbread,

Your letter broke my heart. I think you are a wonderful man, especially since you did not have an example. You are intelligent and caring. If your father were around more often he would know this to be true and be so proud of you. From the hardships you have endured, while they may hurt, always remember them and learn from them. Your children will never have to go through this and will never grieve like you. You can be the Father for your children that you did not have.

May God bless you and keep you.
on Nov 12, 2004
Yeah....your's is a lot worse. But kinda the same in a sense. You have no idea how bad I feel for you Brandon. If I could....I'd take all the pain away from you that you've had over the years. But unfortunately, I don't think there is anyways that I could. I agree with heather. You turned out to be a really special guy! Your dad should be proud of you, but I guess he wouldn't have noticed since he hasn't been there. I kinda noticed tonight that you didn't sit anywhere close to your dad at the awards thingy. I dont know....kristen didn't look all that happy sitting there. She kept looking over at me giving me these looks as if she were sad or depressed about something. Gosh...I love your sister Brandon. She's so cute. You should hear all the good things she tells me about you! I don't see why your dad's gf makes her share things with her daughter. That's not right. I mean....sharing is good, but when the other kid sits there and crys about it, then gets her own....now that's completely wrong. I've seen your dad's gf a couple times. I don't know....but even though I don't really know her...I kinda get this vibe from her, that she's not a very good person.(that sounds so horrible saying that about someone. but if the shoe fits...)

~carebear~
on Nov 12, 2004
Brandon I had no clue what you had went through in your childhood. I really can't relate to that but I bet my two older sisters could. They where there when my dad and there mom got divorced. She a golddigger though so I could understand. But from that point my dad said that he will always be there for me and my brother. He has been there for almost everything but on somethings he had to work.
My mom doesn't have a job so my dad is how we are able to pay for things. I wish your dad was there when you need him. I really can't relate at all and I wish I could to help with the pain.
But when I was younger I could remember never seeing my dad at all. He would go to work early b.c he couldn't sleep and I am talkin 1-2-3-4 in the morning and not getting home until 6-7-8 at night. Yea I did see him but he slept and didn't talk to us and if woke him up well lets just say you would hope you didn't.

stacey
on Nov 12, 2004
Oh yeah, stacey. My dad liked to sleep too. He could sleep like no other. He went with me to the college visitation to BGSU and he slept through everything that I did and everything I thought was interesting. Obviously, he doesn't want to know what I'm truly interested in becoming as long as I still say I love him. I sometimes wonder if he really means he loves us or if he says it as a way to get more brownie points towards my mom.

Thanks heather. I'm glad you think I'm such a good guy. I think I had the perfect father (God) to raise me up instead of my dad. I'm pretty sure that's why I am usually seen as a good kid. Thanks again.

Carebear. I'm not trying to compete when I said that but I just figured that one statement would sum it all up enough. Thanks for the kind words.

Capt. over and out!

P.S.~ Today was a pretty good day so there probably won't be too many more sad articles unless it's a poem.

on Nov 12, 2004
Wow....I.......well....You've got me a bit choked up, Brandon...and that's hard to do. I'm so sorry for all this hearache you've had....I never knew....man. Well, at least you've been able to have friends here....I guess that helps...You know we're here for you...anytime.

Well, until tomorrow,
~Zoo
on Nov 12, 2004
Every time I think that I have things going bad for me... I think about you.

You've put up with the shit that I've never had to deal with. My parents have always been there for me, and I've never had to move except once. I've never had to worry about things you have to deal with every day. My heart goes out to you, Brandon.

Sometimes I feel bad that I've received all these good things in life and you've been given a pile of dog crap and you've still been able to make yourself who you are. I know it may not mean much, but I'm proud of you, and I'm proud to be your friend.

God's Peace,

Alex
on Nov 12, 2004
You know Alex, it's not like I didn't enjoy my life. I just had a lot of reasons to not enjoy at quite as much as I could have. I mean, I was always picked on for my small size up until the last few years really. I didn't mind though, my mom was always there making me feel better about myself. Don't feel sorry for me, I just thought that you guys deserve to know more about Batman and why I don't always like getting into serious conversations with people. I don't like where they usually end up going.

Well, thanks for the really nice words guys.

zoologist~ you should know by now that I'm not normal and if it's possible to make you feel weird I can do it. j/k

beebles (again)~ thanks but to be honest, I'm more happy that I have you guys for friends than you could possibly imagine. Maybe I could make an article giving reasons for why I thank you guys for being my friends but let me just say, I love knowing there are guys that I can talk to and not think,"I wonder how long it will take them to forget me too?"

Capt. over and out!
on Nov 13, 2004
Brandon, you'll always have my respect for your individuality, leadership, and ability to stand up for what you want to do.

That might have sounded like a canned comment, but truth be told. You've put a strangle-hold on conformity, and that's most definitely admirable. Damn conformists. You will do great things, and you've made a royal flush of the cards you were dealt.

Fight the good fight, Captain!
on Nov 13, 2004
that's one of the sadest things i ever read. you made me cry.
Sarah
on Nov 14, 2004
I'm so sorry Brandon. I have no idea what to say other than that. You're a really great guy from what I've seen, and I wish your dad could see that. Keep looking up.

Ashlee
on Nov 16, 2004
Dude, Andy! Don't do that anymore. You almost made me cry and laugh at the same time... I don't do that often. Thanks a lot man.

"strangle-hold on conformity" "You will do great things, and you've made a royal flush of the cards you were dealt."

this is about how my emotions went... ha ha that's hilarious. Dang that sucks.

Capt. over and out!
2 Pages1 2