I grew up waiting for you to come home from work and you never came. Mommy would say that you were working late and that she had to bring you home because it was getting too late for you to drive.
I'd hit the ball during t-ball games and when I looked for my dad to be there cheering for me all I saw was momma. When I sacked the quarterback I found that you weren't there to congratulate me. Even when I scored my only soccer goal ever you weren't there to see it.
What do you think would happen after all of that? Did you think I'd be begging to be around you after that? Did you expect me to be your little boy still? Maybe you knew it wasn't going to be that way anymore. I just hope you weren't expecting it.
I still look to see if you're there but just not because I want to see you're smile. I look to see if you are crying. I almost enjoy seeing you sad that you weren't there for me before. All the times I cried for you. The times I reached out to hold your hand when I was scared and only found mommy. It hurt so much, I don't know why you did that.
Sissie and Hodie feel the same, even stronger and yet you don't know why we avoid you now. It's your fault. Mommy was the only one to show us love and so we trust her. We don't trust you; you're a stranger.
Kristen gets to trust you because you're here but what about us? It's not going to get better just because you're here now. I want to feel truly loved. Mom gave me that feeling and you took it away from me.
Why couldn't you just be there? We only have birthdays take up a 4 days a year for you. We don't ask that you be here everyday but when you didn't even give us birthday presents because you were "working late" (mommy told me that means you're drunk).
Now I have to live with knowing that the reason we moved so often that I couldn't make friends was because you were getting a new job due to "working late". I don't know how to forgive you for that. I wanted friends too. Is that too much to ask for? You couldn't be there? Fine, but let someone be there. I miss Justin and Nathan. You probably don't know them because you weren't there.
You want to "spend time" with me now? How about you wait for me to show up to your birthday or father's day and have to deal with not seeing me there to be your little boy. You gave me away the moment you decided that I wasn't important enough to be a "good" daddy for.
Let's see... You miss the first 13 years of my life. What's wrong with missing another 13. Obviously you didn't seem to mind when you went out and got drunk instead of coming home to see me give my all to be your baby boy.
I love you but I don't feel like you'll ever know how to show it because I won't let you now. I don't know how to be with you now that I've had to be without you for so long. You'll get to see your grandkids all you want because I'm not going to let them know the you that I know. They won't have a loser granddaddy. You WILL be loving and caring to them because that's what it will take for me to accept your love too.
Just give me one reason why I should even talk to you again. You didn't raise me, bring me into existence, or protect me. All you did was marry mom, help make me, and keep me away from everyone of my friends that I tried making.
Please just go away. I don't want to hurt anymore. You have hurt mommy too. I can't let you do that again. She means too much to me. You must understand, I don't know you so I fear you. The sooner you leave the less it will have to hurt.
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This "letter" that you have just read is my venting towards my dad in a dream world. In reality I love him too much to just let him fall out of my life.
Today, I snapped and told him that I didn't want to go to his house because I didn't want to smell like smoke. The real reason is because I'm uncomfortable around him.
His girlfriend yells at her daughter who is a very nice girl. She's usually the one to get into trouble even though she stays to her self and just constantly cleans her room because her mom thinks it's a mess and that she should be grounded for it. She babies the younger daughter all the time and she's more like the selfish brat that I never want to have as a parent. She gets into fits whenever my little sister buys something at the store and she doesn't get anything, so dad makes Kristen share with Katie whatever she got and then buys Katie something else. It makes me sick!
Then you have my dad again. He used to go to the non-smoking section when we out to eat but now he goes to the smoking section because his girlfriend has him scared stiff. If she wants something he gets it for her because he's afraid of her. She's an evil woman that feeds off of my dad and her older daughter and then gives everything to Katie if she doesn't want it herself. She never thinks of the kids first. It's disgusting!!!
I just wish that my dad would leave her because the short time between my parents' divorce and them getting together he was starting to show that he cared for us. Now I don't know, and I miss giving him a chance. I pray that he gets over her and remembers who's more important.... His kids!
I'm sorry I took so much of your time, thank you for staying with me though.
Capt. over and out!