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Finished with Uranus I decided to explore a new planet, Jupiter, the largest planet of all. I felt much more confident with this journey’s beginning. My boost of confidence was soon smashed, for a while. Asteroids began pelting our space ship, they were doing real damage to this poorly constructed ship that the Urines built. I immediately ordered my captured slaves to use their bodies as walls for my protection. This put quite a damper on my plan to gather enough armies to overthrow the Jupiter government, but I will continue on to Jupiter.
The question that remained was how to land a broken space ship. I was puzzled but only for a minute, after pondering I decided the best way to land the huge Urine scrap heap was to just smash into the enormous planet and hope for the best. The Urine people are universally know for their incredible blubber that allows them to withstand powerful hits. I told them they must surround me in their cushiness, so their leader will not die. I enjoyed the surrounding of their bodies, and made sure to pinch a few hineys. Luckily when the ship landed I was not hurt. I had one less slave now, but no huge loss, besides I still have two, who are conveniently under my seat at this very moment, oops I just let one rip.
As I stepped out from the rubble of the ship, I breathed in my first Jupiter air (99.9%chlorine gas). I was observing the perimeter when I saw a rock suspiciously snoring. "STOP" I cried! "Who goes there?" An alien popped his head out from underneath the rock. "Shnep" it murmured, I am not familiar with the alien language, so I decided to show my suspicion in the only way that is universally known. (Through sodomy) After this the alien, who fully enjoyed the experience, was another follower of me. He agreed to work with the Urines to protect me, as this is just the start of the army I will create.
The Jupiterian was quite a bit smaller than the other slaves, but useful nonetheless. His overly large feet made undesirable noises when he walked, so I had no choice to chop them off. The people of Jupiter are able to live without many limbs, so amputation was ok in this situation. The Jupiterian had no objections to this, as I promised he would be rewarded greatly. If the Urines were smarter, they may have been slightly jealous or upset, but since they are great stupid oafs, they did not care. I did feel badly, treating my followers with different levels of respect, so I decided to give them each names, and promise them an important part in my future kingdom (like I will actually see this promise though). I named the Urines Ting-Tong and Shempy, and the Jupiterian, Sodom. They were rather pleased with these names, although I am not sure how much they understood, they were happy.
As we were walking I began to pick up on the Urine language. It was rather simple, especially for someone with my intelligence. The Jupiterian language however, was not so easy to learn. I decided in this case I should just use actions and jesters to get my point across.
Since Jupiter is the fifth planet from the sun it was quite chilly, it has an average temperature of -151 degrees Celsius. I needed something to keep me warm for my long journey ahead. I thought about what material I had available to keep me warm. The only things I had to use were my servants. I stripped them of every nose and back hair they had so I could knit myself a sweater. After a few moments of knitting, I became bored and commanded Shempy to do it for me.
With a diameter of 143,000 kilometers, Jupiter is a big planet, and it will take a long time for me to reach my destination. Walking was tiresome I needed a new mode of transportation. I saw another Jupiterian roaming around freely; I roped him (nose hair rope) and told him it will be his task to carry my followers and I on his back. At first he resisted my clam offer, when I pulled out the whip, he quickly threw us up on his shoulders. This was a smart idea because this is his home-planet and he is familiar with the land, he will be able to get us to the capital city with haste.
Nearing the city of Llamaville, which is the capital, I began to plan my attack. My plan was as follows; take over the biggest business center, make the employees my slaves, then dominate the whole planet. By then with my extreme intelligence, I was able to speak the Urine and the Jupiterian language with great accuracy. "Grach est yer hertndfs taarv" I questioned the Jupiterian. I asked him which is the planet’s largest business. He paused for a moment to think. "Wal-Mart est bus hertndfs taarv" he finally replied. Apparently Wal-Mart is the biggest business on Jupiter too. I wasn’t really surprised, Wal-Mart is such a high-value and classy store it deserves to be number one. I felt kind of bad knowing that I would be taking over the most respected store ever, the employees are so friendly. I told my alien allies to wait outside and they were to come inside if anything appeared to be going wrong.
I entered the store. I went to the customer service isle, which is always short because of Wal-Mart’s excellent employees, and demanded a refund for a sweater I had purchased earlier. As the kind alien behind the desk went to get my money, I pulled out my wet urinary noodle, a weapon of mass destruction). "Don’t anybody move!" I commanded in the Jupiterian language. "You will all obey my orders… Or else!" Everyone agreed. I directed the store manager to take me into the back room where all the meaningful business is done. "Alright, this is what you will do for me" I growled. "You are to call the director of all the Wal-Marts, and tell him that he will cease to be in control, I am now!” The alien did so with no objection. The head of Wal-Mart unhappily agreed after I threatened him with a small nuclear weapon (in the grocery isle). I was thrilled with my accomplishments; I had just taken over the biggest chain of department stores! No time to relax. The employees will now be fighters in my army. I didn’t fully trust them yet so I gave them weak armor and sharpened action figures for weapons. "Shempy, where are you?" I demanded. The Urine came dashing towards me, nearly destroying the place with his clumsiness. (I shall destroy this great oaf as soon as I am finished with him) "Shempy, assemble all the soldiers, ready them for an attack” I ordered. He scrambled off to do this simple task. I turned to Sodom, "I now plan to overthrow the government of Jupiter, and do you think this will be hard?" It didn’t take long for his response. He shook his head no. In the Jupiterian language he explained, the citizens of Jupiter are currently unhappy with the government because they have banned the reuse of toilet paper. The civilians are appalled with this law; they refuse to support the government in any way. This was almost the best news I heard all day; this will make dominating the planet so much easier.
I stepped outside the office to find my army ready to go, I was amazed that Shempy accomplished his mission, maybe I should keep him aboard the team, oh well this will be decided upon later. After beating a few aliens senseless for chattering, I had everyone’s attention. "Listen up I demanded! We will be attacking the planet’s government momentarily, and I would like you to know that I have full confidence in all of you, you will make me proud". I assured them that they are only part of the army, every Wal-Mart store contributed it’s staff. This gave the soldiers a lot of confidence. The quest to overpower the government had begun.
Everything was going according to plan; naturally something had to go wrong. Sodom approached me. In the language of Jupiter he told me this. It will be rather simple to take over the government; however, it will not do much good. Why not I questioned him. He explained that Wal-Mart is the best company closely followed by the company called McDonald’s. If we overthrow the government, Mc Donald’s will be enraged, and plot against us. I didn’t quite follow the alien, why would McDonald’s have such strong ties with the government? Once again Sodom explained, McDonald’s is a fast food restaurant, when the company started off it offered high quality meals at an ok price. The Mc Donald’s company was making ends meet but not making any serious profit. The sly government agents saw this and made Mc Donald’s an offer that they could not pass up. They would allow Mc Donald’s to violate any health law they wanted, they could even pass off squirrel meat as a nice beef patty, but the government did seek something in return. They wanted full support from the McDonald’s personnel, these people would be obligated to serve in any war the government told them to. The government also wanted free happy meals with the toys for all of the politicians. Needless to say Mc Donald’s accepted this offer and became a planet wide franchise. Disgusted, I thanked Sodom for his knowledge and called Shempy to my side. "Call off the attack for now" I told him. Unhappily I returned to the office of Wal-Mart, and proceeded to call the other Wal-Mart locations to tell them of the change in plans. Crestfallen, I attempted to create a new plan for global domination.
After only a few minutes of conspiring, I had a new plan. We'll attack them with our brains and high demand for rubber duckies. First, I will raise the price of the duckies so high that no one can afford them. Then, as the economy begins to weaken from the high amounts of money spent on our little friends, the Jupiterian government will have to use its money to buy the duckies. As they do this, they will increase demand, hoping that we will increase our production to meet it. Well, we won't. Then the government will have no choice but to buy all the duckies it can. Once it has spent all of its money trying to boost the economy -failing at it- I will use that money to fund an army.
This plan would have to be carried out in daylight so I told Sodom to tell all of the troops to get a good night’s sleep. We shall make our attack at dawn.
Waking up, I felt refreshed. Sleep is always good. Leaving the office I ran into Sodom. "Have you assembled the soldiers?" I barked. "Yes, sir!" he replied. Excellent. I told the troops how my plan will be carried out. First you will march to the warehouse where the rubber ducks are stored. You will all be given as many ducks as you can carry. Do not eat them! Carry the ducks with you as you walk to McDonald’s. When you get there immediately start to pelt the McDonald’s employees with them. They will drop their weapons and scramble to collect the ducks, because of the duck’s high value. Pick up their weapons and make them prisoners. Escort the captured prisoners into the wet paper bags that will be set up, there is no possible way for them to escape this impenetrable prison. You shall then stand outside while I go in and "meet" with the management. Come in if I require back up. They all understood my brilliant attack plan.
Now it was off to the warehouse to begin my plan! The aliens collected their ammo with no difficultly. As my army was marching off to battle it occurred to me how proud I was, of myself of course. I will soon be in control if a whole planet (Uranus doesn’t count as a planet, seeing as how it is blown to bits)! Back to concentrating on the attack… Approaching McDonald’s I felt excited. The battle was amazing! Truly flawless! All the McDonald’s workers were inside the paper bags as I entered the fast food building. Cowering from inside the deep fryer was the manager of the McDonald’s restaurant. "Stand up!" I commanded. Shaking in fear, the terrified alien stood up. "Please", he blubbered, "don’t hurt me, I’ll do anything". "Marvelous" I grunted, now get up and stop whining!" He rushed to his feet. "I want you to inform your miserable army that I control them now, they obey me and ONLY me! Got it?" I questioned. "Yes Captain, he stuttered, "t-t-they are all yours". "Good boy", turning to Sodom, "Inform this scoundrel’s army that they are now all under my command". "Yes Captain" and Sodom left the manager and I alone. I glanced atop of the alien’s head, “Nice antenna" I politely commented. "Th-thank-you he managed to say. I pulled an axe from my cloak. "These antenna will look adorable on top of my mantle" I whispered. "No! He screamed, "I want to have children". "That’s too bad" I chuckled, "my mantle is bare".
I now have complete control over McDonald’s and Wal-Wart and a nice souvenir of Jupiter. I want the government now! I must plan. After a few moments I had a brilliant idea. Since I still had an adequate supply of rubber duckies, I would use them in my attack. Firstly their squeakers would be removed and replaced with high frequency speakers that shatter everything. These speakers would not go off until I sent the signal from the master duck. The ducks will be placed inside governmental buildings in toilets, water fountains, birdfeeders, fish bowls and even glasses of water! This must be one of my more thought-out and creative plans! I ordered all of the Wal-Mart soldiers and the newly acquired McDonald’s soldiers to start assembling to ducks. After that I sent them to set up the ducks. When all of my army had returned from the government’s headquarters, I squeezed the master duck. This set off a huge explosion, killing everyone inside the building. However when I went to inspect the building I watched one agent enter the building. He was carrying a giant paper bag with McDonald’s written on it. This must be the poor newly hired sap that gets lunch for his boss. I took pity on him and decided not to kill him. I will have a use for him later.
Returning from the destroyed government building, some of my army started to conspire against me. This was told to me by one of my slaves, it was rather obvious when one stated, "You cannot be part of this conversation, we are planning against our leader!" "Ugh", I scoffed, a pathetic attempt to assassinate me. When a group of disloyal soldiers approached I ordered the loyal ones to attack them. They slaughtered all but one. "Leave him for me" I shouted. He was hit once or twice but still healthy enough for a fair fight. I slowly pulled my precious weapon from beneath my cloak, a plunger sharpened at one end. The coward flinched at the sight of my plunger but did not back down. After a few swings from both of us the alien asked "where are you from in outer space?" I replied with "No, I'm from Iowa. I only work in outer space". He looked stunned; I hit him with the plunger. "Ouch" he cried, "why did you hit me so hard?" "Because," I chuckled, "Life is pain, princess. . . anyone who says differently is selling something." And with that I impaled the creature. The crowd gasped in astonishment. One of my followers asked "What...are...you?" I answered with "I am a saiyan warrior!" After this every last alien vowed to be loyal to me.
I now, completely control Jupiter. My work here is done. I will move along to another planet. This one will be left in the hands of the two Urines, Shempy and Ting-Tong. They were thrilled with this. They agreed that when I came back to the thrown they would give it back to me. As for the government agent; lunch boy, he will be the Urine’s personal slave. He will get all the meals for them.
Since I feel my work here is done, I bid farewell to my Urine comrades and head off on my next adventure, with Sodom happily at my side.
Scripted by the fingers of Crazy Llama 69, Crazy Llama 96, and Captain Cornbread
Roger that!
10-4
Capt. over and out!