Please, Believe

Published on September 23, 2004 By wnx_decoy In Life Journals

I've been told a few times that I need to post a few more of my poems so I decided that I'd post this one...

I just wrote it during school today. Tell me what I need to fix. Thx.

Please, Believe

Please
do it
trust in me.
give me a chance
to redeem myself.
i want to start over
from the times when i was good.
even if those times are too far
for you to ever remember now.
i remember when you could tell me this
and i remember when you could tell me that.
why can’t we just go back to where we started?
those were the times i cherished over the years.
the times in which you came crying to me
because times were too complicated
to handle without your friends’ love.
just like those wonderful days
back when i deserved it…
when i deserved trust.
please give me a chance
to redeem “it”…
trust in me
again.
Please.

Capt. over and out!

Comments

citahellion

on Sep 23, 2004

Don't feel the need to end every line with a punctuation mark, or begin every line with a capital. The lines are clearly arranged for visual effect, which is fine, but you don't need to mangle the syntax to go along with that.

wnx_decoy

on Sep 23, 2004

Is that any better?

Capt. over and out!

LadyCleve

on Sep 24, 2004

Wonderful poem!

wnx_decoy

on Sep 24, 2004

I just wrote another one but I need to wait until my english teacher gives it back, so that I don't mess it up.

Capt. over and out!

BlueDev

on Sep 24, 2004

I like the visual effect of the lines. But don't be afraid to abandon punctuation afterall it is overrated anyway don't you think I sure do I don't like it one little bit in fact I think I may abandon punctuation all together

citahellion

on Sep 24, 2004

I think it reads a lot better with the current arrangement than it did at first. I'll disagree with Bluedev in that I think the punctuation that remains is good to have.
I'll also suggest, though, that you might try it without any capitals at all, except on the first and last lines. You already got rid of all the other capitals but the 'i's; might as well take that last step.

wnx_decoy

on Sep 25, 2004

alright, I guess I could get rid of them but I even capatilize the 'i''s when I'm chatting...

Capt. over and out!

chiprj

on Sep 25, 2004

I'm a little bit late to this thread, but I'd say as far as poetry goes, don't ever feel the need to ask anyone if anything needs a 'fix'. That's the beauty of poetry. Even if you don't think it's perfect (I have never thought any of my poems were quite right). At least in my opinion.

Very nice poem, though!

citahellion

on Sep 25, 2004

Well, I'll weigh in on the other side of that too, that asking for constructive input on anything is almost always helpful in improving your ability. Certainly poetry is a personal matter and subject to both taste and interpretation, but there are lots of ways to change something without necessarily messing with meanings. A change in meter, a better rhyme, different presentation can all make a poem better.

Now I personally think that in its current form, it looks the best out of the three revisions that we've seen. However, Captain Cornbread, as the author, is the final arbiter of how it is "supposed" to look. Captain, if you find you prefer it with normal caps or with 'I' capitalized or whatever, I'm sure you will put it up again the way you like it.

wnx_decoy

on Sep 25, 2004

Thanks chip and citahellion. I kind of think you're both right. Chip, your right because I could chose to just leave it as it is. Citahellion, your right because asking is going to help me become a better writer.

Poetry is suposed to a great way to express a view point and if I can't do that well enough then I NEED to do something to help it.

I'm not oposed to changing it 27 more times to see which one I like most, but for now I also like this form.

Thanks again.

Capt. over and out!

BlueDev

on Sep 25, 2004

Yeah, the punctuation isn't a big deal, it was just a thought. I sometimes discard punctuation in my poetry, and use the way I arrange my lines and such to convey the same message. Perhaps it is part of me being a visual person, not sure.

carebear07

on Sep 27, 2004

I loved it Brandon! I think it's one of your better ones. (not saying that the others on here weren't good, they were)

~carebear~

carebear07

on Sep 27, 2004

I loved it Brandon! I think it's one of your better ones. (not saying that the others on here weren't good, they were)

~carebear~

carebear07

on Sep 27, 2004

Heh, sorry about the double post!

~carebear~

Welcome Guest! Please take the time to register with us.
There are many great features available to you once you register, including:

Richer content, access to many features that are disabled for guests like commenting on the forums.
Access to a great community, with a massive database of many, many areas of interest.
Access to contests & subscription offers like exclusive emails.
It's simple, and FREE!